Really kid?

Patient number 21 for the day today was a 14 year old with a cold....and an attitude.
So as I'm examining this snot filled snot, my stethoscope on his chest, he opens up and coughs phlegm all over my face. Not bothering at all to cover his cough or turn his head, just coughs all over me.
Now, I'm kind of used to this behavior from children under the age of, oh, say four but a 14 year old???? Come on.
His mother scolds him. "Patient 21*, don't cough all over her." *Name changed to save my my husband tracking him down and throttling him.
Patient 21 replies, "If she didn't want to be coughed on all the time she wouldn't have been a doctor."
Now back in the day I might have kicked this kid in the nuts (No, I don't regret that at all, creepy guy at Aerosmith concert if you are out there), or maybe I'd have made a comment about his pizza face acne resembling leprosy (OK, so I'm a little sorry about that one, kid from Chilean night club the night Pisco Sours were free for the ladies)
But I didn't I just moved around him and listened to his lungs, checked his ears and prescribed him something for his nasty sinusitis.
Why didn't I say anything? Because he's kind of right. I knew what I was signing up for when I went into pediatrics. It's why I don't mind wresting a kid to the floor to look in his ears, I don't flinch when someone else's two month old vomits on my sweater first thing in the morning. It's why I love to talk about poop and snot and even acne.
And lets face it, that kid ain't got nothin' my immune system hasn't seen ten times before.

Football According to...

Football According to my 2 year old daughter:

Daughter: "Mommy let's play football in the basement."
Me: "Sure sweetie let's play."
Daughter: "I'm the quarterback, I throw you the ball and then you run."
Me: "And then what?"
Daughter: "And then I tackle you. No touch-touch."
Me: "You mean no touchdown?"
Daughter "Yes."

Football According to my husband:

Husband: "Who are the Lions losing too this week."
Me: "Shut it and go knit something."

10 Things I Wish My Patients (and their parents) Knew.

Warning: the following is not meant to diagnose or treat any ailment, nor has it been approved for sale within the United States.





10. Corn is not a vegetable. Neither are V8 Splashes.



9. Baby Einstein will rot your child's brain just as fast as sponge bob, it just starts at an earlier age. Don't fool yourself.



8. Chicken nuggets can be "all natural" and "100% white meat" but they are still chicken nuggets.



7. Yes your child can get 8 colds in a year. No green snot does not equal sinus infection.



6. When you come 20 minutes late to your 15 minute appointment you are being seen out of the goodness of somebodies heart.



5. The problems you are having getting your medication filled are the fault of your insurance company. It's not as if they tell us what they cover (even when they say they do).



4. Adolescent depression does exist and it is very serious. Don't take it personally if your kid is depressed. It's not your fault (most of the time) and it's not theirs.



3. I'm serious when I say that your 15 month old doesn't need that 4am bottle of formula.



2. If you don't buy it and bring it into your home, your child will not eat it. If they don't have a TV in their room they won't watch it.

1. I'm not here to break the news to your 8 year old that there is no Santa. Don't bring him in for that.